Hulk Hogan
First uploaded to my old blog in 2009… There comes a point in every life where you have to make a decision on what path to take. Just like Luke Skywalker turned his back on the Dark Side, or Adolf Hitler decided to become a mass-murdering cock with a natty line in moustaches. I once faced that choice. The decision to dedicate my life to the good, the worthy, the needy… or to be selfish, self centred and a little bit evil. I remember the day I made that choice. I was sat watching television in the lounge of my parents house. We had...
read moreFilm Remakes
First uploaded to my old blog in 2009… Let me ask you a theoretical question. Pick your favourite music album of all time. Got it? Hold that thought in your head. Think about what that album means to you, how much you love the lyrics, the orchestration, the production, its sentimental worth to you and so on. I’ll tell you what album I’m thinking about. Plucked at random, one of my favourite albums is “London Calling” by the Clash. It’s a work of genius that still stands up to the test of time today. Now...
read moreStrawberries
First uploaded to my old blog in 2009… Ah, Wimbledon fortnight. When the entire country pretends to like tennis and we’re treated to endless images of the middle classes and aristocracy munching on strawberries in their little enclave in south-west London. I don’t like strawberries. Saying this to most people causes them to stare at me like I’ve got a conjoined twin stuck to the side of my face, and said twin is spreading messages of hate with its little reedy voice. I imagine it wouldn’t have a brilliantly...
read morePeople (normally younger than 30) Who Make Everything Sound Like a Question?
First uploaded to my old blog in 2009… I’m a child of the 1980s. Yes, I was born in the 1970s, when punk was at its highest of dizzying heights and Margaret Thatcher was about to be festooned upon us like a rusted T-1000 in a bouffant wig. But I’m a child OF the 1980s, because that’s when I grew up. If your first childhood memory is not of He Man but of the Turtles, you’re a child of the nineties. I care not one fuck if you were born in 1989, you were merely sent into this world in that year. You were not...
read moreRacism
First uploaded to my old blog in 2009… I’m quite ridiculously proud of being from Leicester. I have an oft-rehearsed line that I say onstage at most gigs where I mention that I love the city because it is “a vibrant, diverse place”. And it is. I have never caught a whiff of the slightest bit of racial tension in my home city, and that’s something that I’m chuffed enough about to even gloat just a little bit. I’m delighted to say that I don’t have a single racist friend or acquaintance –...
read moreAlcohol
First uploaded to my old blog website in 2009… I will be the first person to admit that there is a side of alcohol that I do actually like. It’s not along the lines of it getting me drunk – I haven’t had a drink since the age of 20 and I don’t miss that at all. I used to drink quite a bit – some people know this, some people who have known me for a while are probably more unaware. To cut a long story short, I used to love a drink. But I would drink on my own in my bedroom, peeling wallpaper from my walls and...
read moreThe Nintendo Wii
First uploaded to my old Blog website in 2009… 3 MONTHS BEFORE LAUNCH I see an article in Edge magazine about the upcoming Nintendo Wii. After loving the NES, SNES, N64 and Gamecube I presume that they can do no wrong, like some kind of video game Eric Cantona. Don’t get me wrong, the Gamecube’s marketing was their equivalent of leaping into the crowd at Selhurst Park to pummel some oik who had learned French in order to insult their family: You know that it’s technically incorrect, but there’s a big part of you...
read moreManufactured Pop Music (with the exception of Girls Aloud)
First uploaded to my old blog site in 2009… Music is mankind’s greatest artistic achievement. I may love comedy, graffiti, video games, films and brightly coloured trainers but nothing affects my mood more than music. In my 30 years on the planet music has evolved tremendously – even more so if you look back earlier. Composers would sit in isolation for months, even years, to bring their ideas to reality. Musical visionaries in the twentieth century were brave enough to try new things, to push boundaries: Chuck Berry, Johnny...
read moreRoast Lamb
Note – previously uploaded to my old blog site in 2009. The Sunday roast is a British tradition. Ask any be-backpacked traveller (that’s a convenient term for “middle class and on holiday for three months”) in the deepest darkest jungles of Cambodia what they miss most about Britain and they’ll probably answer that they miss sitting down with their nearest and dearest for prime roasted meats, potatoes and vegetables, shrouded in rich gravy and topped off with Yorkshire puddings the size of Chichester. My family is...
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