10 Things I Hate About… Video Games
“It’s you, it’s you, it’s all for you, everything I do, I tell you all the time, heaven is a place on earth with you…” So sang Lana Del Rey in her song “Video Games”. Am fairly sure what she is crooning about concerns some boy or another, all tattooed and muscular and evil (I fulfil two of these requirements) and whilst I could easily settle down with the flame-haired pouty chanteuse, I can equally take her lyrics to sum up my love for – not a girl or boy – but Video Games...
read moreLet’s Be Friends – Be Part of my new Edinburgh Show!
In August I’ll be off to Edinburgh once again for the Fringe, with a new hour long show running at the wonderful Gilded Balloon every day at 4.30pm. The new show is called “Let’s Be Friends” and concerns how hard it is for a 30something loser like myself to find new friends when all of their old friends have grown up, raised families and moved on. I’m still sitting around in my underwear playing on my SNES whilst eating jaffa cakes. A big part of the show is called “Twitter friends are not real...
read more10 Things I Hate About… Wrestling
Wrestling is one of my favourite things. I’ve been a fan since I was about eight years old and if anything my crazy level of fandom has only got worse in recent years. The best thing is that as a comedian it seems to be completely acceptable to enjoy watching men in their underwear pretending to fight. Of course, I’m aware that when writing this some of the people reading it may not be as big fans of the grappling arts as myself. So this will be the first (and probably the last) of my blogs to include a glossary at the end to...
read moreYou Could Adorn My Skin (Subtext: Jim is a f*****g idiot)
Well hello, nice people. With me having lots of fun things that I’d like to tell the world about, I’d like to have a lot more followers on Twitter. So I hatched a daft plan today… If I can get up to 5,000 followers on Twitter I will get three – yes THREE – tweeps tattooed upon my person. I keep getting asked for clarification on how this works, so let me explain… NOTE THE SLIGHT RULE CHANGE! The best referrer will be tattooed upon me – based on either number of references OR the most...
read more10 Things I Hate About… Football
I bloody love football. I’ve been going to watch games since I was 6, and I’ll probably still be watching them when I’m 96 (should I be unfortunate enough to live that long). That said, I can easily think of plenty of things that I despise about it. So with that in mind, here are the ten things that I hate the most about the so-called “beautiful game”. 10: Identikit Stadiums This is especially apt as a Leicester City supporter. Filbert Street may have been a dump, but it was out dump: Unchanged in...
read moreImagination
Since the age of nine, maybe even younger, I’ve always employed the same method when trying to get to sleep. I’ll lie in bed, curled up on my side (I can’t sleep on my back, like a horse) and I’ll use my imagination to entertain myself while the insomnia kicks in. I reason with myself that just because I can’t sleep it doesn’t mean that I can’t have something similar to a dream-like experience, the best bit about this being that my naughty old subconscious can’t ruin anything for me. As a kid...
read moreSaturday Night Out
First uploaded to my old blog in April 2011… Tonight, as I walked back to my car after performing in Birmingham, some youth chose to punch me in the face. I was more stunned than hurt – his clumsy pugilism merely vaguely bruised my forehead so I doubt that the cowardly fuck will be troubling the highest echelons of boxing at any point soon. I have no idea why he decided to attempt to give me a pasting. He walked out of a bar across the road from where I was working, strode up to me, said nothing and lamped me. It did lead to...
read moreSnow
First uploaded to my old blog over Christmas 2010… THE FOLLOWING TOOK PLACE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 13.30 and 22.00 ON SATURDAY DECEMBER 19th 2010… 13.30 – BARWELL, LEICESTERSHIRE I open my door and stride into the cool winter air. I’m prepared for a tricky journey – being a plucky BBC employee I’ve seen the weather reports and instead of lying in bed all afternoon catching up on my sleep I’m leaving early for my gig in central London. Plan is pretty much this: 1: Drive the two hours to London 2: Possibly...
read moreUniversity Hoodies
First uploaded to my old blog in 2010… A lot of people find it hard to believe that I went to university, never mind that I got a decent degree. I’m not sure why this is. I mention stories of my student days onstage a lot, I have used my education to get myself more than one stint of gainful employment and I’m certain that my mother has shown several hairdressers photos of me on my graduation day (which works as a rudimentary bush telegraph in rural Leicestershire). Possibly the reason for the doubt over my educational...
read morePeople Blowing the Paper Bit of Restaurant Straws Off
First uploaded to my old blog in 2010… I have a temper. It takes a lot to push my buttons enough to make my face crimson and my blood boil, but there are certain little things that you can do to guarantee that I’ll become irate. Not just mildly miffed (in the way that middle class people feel the need to write a letter to someone) but proper testicle-dropping, teeth-grindingly irate. Some of the things that do this to me have already been mentioned in these little rants. Others include: Insulting any member of my family or...
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